Unmade Promises Can't Be Broken
by Mirrordance
Summary: Trowa's dying, but before he goes he wants to tie up lose ends...at gunpoint, he bullies Heero into busting him out of the hospital to go on a Road Trip unlike any other…


"Unmade Promises Can't Be broken"

_a__ Gundam Wing fanfiction by Mirrordance_

don't own anyone, don't make money, don't sue pls.

_plot__: Trowa's dying, but before he goes he wants to tie up lose ends…except for the fact that he can't, since everyone is fussing. So, at gunpoint, he bullies Heero into busting him out of the hospital to go on a Road Trip…_

Heero's P.O.V.

The war was over. No one had to die anymore.

I never actually thought I'd see the end of it. The odds were so poor. It couldn't get past my head that despite the fact that I've courted death uncountable times, I was still alive to experience any form of loss…

It was so rare, so damn rare, for anyone to die of any other way save for a bullet or a blast or something messy in relation to violence. No one died of disease anymore, or, or old age.

Post-war, when you're no longer so busy trying to preserve yourself, you get to look around and see how small the population suddenly was. How much quieter the streets were, how much less the members of each family.

But you were supposed to feel at least some form of elation for survival.

Survival.

So why did this have to come now?

War's over.

Even better, we won.

But _why_…?!

Catherine Bloom, had just asked the same thing. I was relieved that she had voiced it, because my throat was itching to blurt it out.

"I don't know" Duo replied with a slight smile. I noticed how drawn those distracted violet eyes were, "no one could claim to. Save for God. But you bet there's a good reason, wherever it is"

That was when? Three hours ago, when we found out that Trowa was dying on us. Damn deserter (1). Deserters got shot during the war, insubordinate (2) fools. Cowards.

The doctor had said it was something about a tumor, that has spread for lack of attention. Inoperable, blah, blah, blah, God, I lost half of it. And I never lose half of anything, and Trowa never got sick, and the world couldn't suddenly turn upside down.

A month, at most.

At least I got that last part. Trowa had a month left.

"That's it, huh?" asked Quatre bitterly, "we wait. That's all"

"I'm sorry" the doctor had said, before leaving us.

Not as sorry as I am, you bastard.

We; myself, Quatre Winner, Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei and Catherine Bloom, were in the waiting room of Vassily Medical, an expansive new facility on Earth, not far from the infamous Sanc.

Like all hospitals, it was clean and orderly and busy and gloomy and depressing.

I had the waiting area all to myself by now, for everyone had gone off to see him, in that room. Except for Wufei. He's on that phone over there by the receptionist's desk, I can see him past the glass enclosing the place I was in. Always been stubborn. I could read his lips from here. Useful skill, and I would have understood more except I lost interest, since barely thirty seconds into the conversation I already knew what it was about.

His mouth had formed the words 'Sally Po' and "second opinion' and I was clued in. Wufei, apparently, found the doctor's conclusion unacceptable.

Then he slammed the phone down, shared a glare with the nurse at the desk, then walked away in a huff, towards the elevators and not Trowa's room, I noticed.

Then there was nothing else for me to do, but sit and wait.

I hadn't noticed how much time had passed, when Duo's head popped into the room and the expression on his face scolded me, wordlessly effective.

He held my gaze for a long moment—particularly long, since Duo found it profoundly hard to be quiet. But as usual, I out-stared him. Small victory, in a day full of misery.

He sighed. "Trowa's going to wonder why you haven't come to visit"

"He won't" I said simply, and went no further than that. It was true, though. Trowa knows me. I don't like scenes. And while I'm perfectly agreeable to staying here and offering what Duo would refer to as 'moral support,' I had no plans of going into that room and watching people grovel. No, maybe that's not it after all. I had no plans of going into that room and getting tempted to grovel with them.

I felt my face scowl at the analysis.

"There's no reason to be scared" Duo told me wearily, earning a well-deserved glare for using his knowledge of me in a verbal battle. Not fair. He has more practice.

"Not scared" I muttered, feeling like a child.

"Death comes sooner or later—" he was saying, but I cut him off.

"I've heard this before" I snapped, "And I don't need to hear it again, least of all from you—"

He cut me off too, evening the score.

"Some of us just have to go before others" he finished.

Silence. It was unbearable, in a room with Duo. Painfully unnatural. Sure, he seldom ever says what he really means, usually making silly, irrelevant and unhelpful commentary. But I had a feeling it made him feel better. It's either that, or maybe he really couldn't breathe unless his mouth was open after all.

"I'm aware of that" I told him flatly. "Everyone is"

But that didn't take the pain away.

I didn't want to see Trowa. It hurt too much.

Each person had his or her own fears. A lot of them would call me courageous because I was a Gundam pilot, death raining on all sides of me. But that's not courage, not really. Courage was when you stand up to your fears, and my fear was just focused elsewhere.

Today, I was still a pilot, and death still rained on all sides of me. But the mortality rate excluded me, and instead of a devastated terrain or a wreck-strewn space, the battlefield was more intimate, daunting and unquestionable, just beneath a room, in a quiet hospital. There was a zero chance of survival, there was no way to fight back, and the enemy was within.

I'm not a fool. I've long since lived with the fact that I could lose anyone at any given time. But I hadn't thought it would be this way.

"Heero," Duo said wearily. I felt like a child, getting reprimanded. "The guy's got a month left. At most. No matter how ugly you are or how lethal your expression, he'll want to see you"

"Later" I grunted, crossing my fingers as I shifted my weight. Promises meant a lot to me, and I wasn't planning to break anything. Unmade promises can't be broken, after all.

The last one had been Relena's, my vow to kill her. But that was excused, since she courted death frequently enough without my help anyway, and I abolished it in favor of the greater good.

"You'd better" threatened Duo. "I'm going with Catherine to grab some of Trowa's stuff. Wufei couldn't get Sally Po off-duty immediately, so he's going to the colonies to drag her back here personally. Quatre's left in there. We couldn't make him budge, and he's tiring. Make sure you replace him at least for an hour today, okay?"

Duo, darn him, knew how much promises meant to me, and waited for a reply I was loathe to make.

"Yes" I hissed, as he walked away.

I was the pilot of Wing Zero. Why was I allowing myself to be bullied like this?

I waited for an hour more, before grudgingly standing up and redeeming the word I had released to Duo.

I strolled to the reasonably spacious room, stopping by the door. Like everything in this damn place it was damn white and damn daunting. Especially with those damn machines on stand-by, though none of them were presently being used, save for an I.V.

Just a precaution, those machines said. Or maybe it was a warning. That things would only get worse.

The room was well-lit, and as I stepped through, Quatre, who had been sitting by the bed with his head over crossed arms as he slept, shot awake and looked at me with wounded blue eyes.

I suppressed a cringe, feeling as if he was saying, "About time."

He stood up, wordlessly offering me the chair he had just vacated. I sat cautiously, keeping my eyes trained on Quatre, on the damn machines, on the window, on the blanket. Anything and everything, save for the real reason why we were all here.

I fidgeted in my seat, when Quatre had finally walked out of sight.

But even if I couldn't see him anymore, I heard him take a shaky breath, introducing a sob that made me wince in sympathy.

"He'll be all right"

Trowa's voice jolted me out of my reverie, and I finally was forced to train my eyes on him. Funny, he looked just as he had yesterday, when I didn't know anything was wrong. Damn deceptive disease, this was.

"And you?" I mumbled.

"Me too" he replied quietly, glancing wistfully at the door, as if regarding Quatre thoughtfully.

I bit my lip, uncertain after so much quick decisiveness in my life. This simply wasn't my line. "Have they told you—"

"Yes" he cut me off, knowing I didn't want to be the one to say it. As I said, we understood each other. "They told me"

I nodded, wondering what to say now. That's funny. Me. I never thought I'd ever worry about that.

"This place is sucking the life right out of me" Trowa said, surprising me with a sick grin.

"What am I supposed to say about that?!" I growled, making him chuckle, therefore making me even more frustrated. "Damn it, Trowa. How can you—"

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked me jauntily. That challenging smile was quietly endearing; and though I wasn't used to seeing it, the smile seemed…right, somehow. There was nothing awkward about it at all.

"Well?" Trowa persisted, "Am I to cry? Would that be to your satisfaction, Heero? Tell you what, let's leave the pity to Quatre and the rest. They cry enough to compensate for all of us, don't you think?"

I frowned, deigning to reply.

"Heero, can't you see?" he asked quietly, "All the pretension is driving me insane. People crying the moment they step out of my room, smiling while they're here. The thought is profoundly touching and I love them the way they are. But I'm not dead yet"

"No, you're not" I grunted in agreement. I wanted to say more; Trowa, yes, you're still alive. But you can't just switch emotions on and off, or schedule them. Joy now, grief later. I wish we all could, but we couldn't. You can't expect them not to think about losing you now…

"I'm glad we understand each other" he said, sitting up straighter. "Now help me out of these things and we're going out"

I must have dropped my jaw.

"What?"

His eyes teased; he seemed to take profound pleasure in catching me off-guard. It was an exceptional talent that few others could do.

"You heard me" he said, starting to tug at the tubes in his arm, and therefore forcing me to grab his hand and stop him.

"No" was all I could seem to say.

"Heero," his eyes pleaded now, though his face had returned to that assuring familiarity of being impassive. He was darn good at getting what he wants. He knew his serious face was the one I found most credible. "You know as well as I do, that none of these things will work to keep me any longer than I can on my own"

"No" I said again, trying to keep my voice stern. But I heard an edge of desperation in my voice; I was well-aware of how determined he was to get out of here.

He closed his eyes, making me stand right in the middle of panic and relief. Was he in pain? Or was he considering my side?

When he opened them, the emerald was cold and calculating and lethal.

I looked down at his hands, where, sometime along my moment of distraction, a gun had appeared.

"I gave you a choice, Heero" he said coldly, "but you didn't take it. Now I'm telling you. Bust me out of this place"

I could have lunged at the gun.

I could have, very easily overpowered him.

But the gun in his sure, un-shaking hands, suddenly told me how desperately he wanted this.

And a friend of mine, with a month to live, was going to get everything he damn well wanted.

But I didn't have to pretend to be ecstatic about it.

We had sneaked out of the hospital through the fire escape. We stole an inconspicuous car; a battered, dusty, black station wagon.

Within minutes we were out of the hospital compound, into the streets. I had the wheel, he had the gun.

"Where am I supposed to take us?" I snapped, when we stopped by the dictates of the traffic lights in the city area.

Trowa narrowed his eyes in thought. "highway, to the south"

"Where after that?" I asked grouchily.

He sank in his seat, looking distracted. It was a common tactic; give the enemy some illusion of breathing space, to ease the tension. I could tell, despite the lowered gun and the lidded emerald eyes, that he was watching me very cautiously.

And I was still Heero Yuy, and I could still grab the gun and turn us around, back to the hospital where everything was dull and simple and meaningless to either of us.

But he wanted this. And he needed me.

A several-minute drive had the well-lit city scene fading on our sides against the night. Earth has always been known for its vast expanse of untamed lands, especially after the population draught due to the deaths during the wars and the colonization in space.

There were several, bright dots of major cities along the planet's surface, but more of the beautiful seas and vast deserts and fields and mountains. A lot of the trails were even unpaved, such as the one we were entering just outside of the city limits.

"We're out of the city" I flatly stated the obvious. "Where now?"

"There's a small-scale airport about a two-hour ride from here" replied Trowa. "biplanes, Heero. Can you believe that?"

I frowned. This wasn't an impulse. He had planned this, and I've been a pawn all the while.

I told him as much, making him laugh.

"Never gone on a mission without adequate planning before" he said.

"Unless it's at the point of the gun" I snapped.

He smiled a little, then decided to answer my question. "When I was kid growing up in the colonies, our mercenary captain caught a traitor. Nothing particularly damaging, and he was an old man, but justice in a mercenary outfit was swift and decisive. He didn't deny his crimes, and didn't beg to be spared from the punishment, which was nothing less than death.

"But he did beg for one thing," he went on fondly, "and that was for a final trip to Earth. There was a river, they said. To bathe in it, was to cleanse the soul. Absolution, Heero. It captures a child's imagination. I haven't thought of it for years. But now that I don't have anything left, I find I'm thinking about it again"

I hadn't doubted where we intended to go now. That River. I've heard it once or twice, from the mouths of men who had died during the war. Sickbay was a bad place to be, after a battle; amputees, blood, death, dying. But I could never completely turn away. Trowa was right; the legend captured the imagination. But when their bodies have quit on them, the men wanted to save what they thought could last; their soul.

"Was the old man ever allowed to find it?" I asked.

"It was too much of a bother, they said" Trowa replied with a wistful expression on his face. "But…I…I served him his food. He left me the map, when I delivered his final meal. They shot him in the head, and burnt the body with the trash"

"You've been thinking about this for some time" I said grudgingly. I wanted to say more; it was unfair. "How long have you known you were…?"

Sick, dying. I couldn't seem to say it.

"Long enough to fix everything" he replied evasively.

"Why me?" I asked, and his brows raised slightly. "Why me?" I asked again, "or are you going to tell me I just happened to be the person who happened to pop in at the right time? Why me, Trowa?"

"You're all very different people" he said reflectively, "but I consider each one as my friend. There are certain friends whom I can depend on to do what they think is right or best for me. There are others whom I can trust to do what I tell them (12)"

I was somewhat annoyed to be in the second category, but let him say everything he wanted to.

"Catherine, as I've already learned, puts things into her own hands, believing it's up to her to look out for me," continued Trowa, "Quatre I don't want to burden any more with anything from me. Wufei's too stubborn to let me concede to the inevitable. And Duo…he makes it harder for me to accept, you know?"

No, I didn't. I couldn't understand. Did that mean by default I ended up as his chosen companion? Or was there something else?

He sighed. "How do I put it? Look at it from my point of view, Heero. I'm leaving soon, and I don't want to have to be unhappy. Taking the others along makes me feel sorry that I have to go away, because they seem so sad about it. But you…you wouldn't take it personally. We wouldn't get attached to each other and make this any harder. You'll take care of this as you do any mission, Heero. Efficiently, and with little fuss"

I tightened my hold on the wheel.

In my shock I nearly got us killed, that first moment he started talking about me. Or what he thought was me.

Not only did I fall under the initiative-less second category, but I was also an unfeeling machine. My company was so miserable that taking me along would make him want to go away and die, I don't take anything personally, and he wouldn't get attached to me. He's just a mission, and I was little else of anything.

I thought we understood each other, but he doesn't know me after all.

I parked the car in a warehouse.

The airport was in the middle of nowhere, with middle-of-nowhere folk, who had little excitement.

Like a trooper, Trowa gave the manager a big tip, and headed straight for a biplane I prayed to God he knew how to operate.

I was a Gundam pilot, and either my brain was too complicated by that to understand the supposedly simpler operation of the old craft, or I was used to an Automatic.

The plane was a cheerful shade of red, old but fantastically well-kept; heads would roll if this broke down in the middle of the air, and not any of ours.

"Have fun" Trowa told me brightly, leaving me to drive.

Well, if anything he trusted my skills. Since I was a second-class friend with zero-attachments and a poor character, he could at least give me that.

I looked at the controls, deciding they were simple enough. A stick, some pedals. I found my blood starting to heat in this funny excitement I always get at the thought of a new Gundam. Interesting.

Chuckling to myself as I clumsily tested the controls, the two of us in the biplane soon moved down the bumpy runway, and were soaring to the sky.

This was better than a Gundam, I thought fleetingly. The wind was whipping at me, the moon was so near, like I was heading straight for it. It was much more beautiful from here than on the surface. Ethereal, glowing in that borrowed light.

My blood was still warm, and I had a sudden urge of wanting to explode and expand and be part of the night sky and the stars and the heavens.

Before I could stop myself, I felt my mouth open and form the shape of a wide 'O' as I howled into the night, losing myself in the freedom.

Wanting to share my joy, I twisted my head around to look at Trowa, who had a strange expression on his face.

I turned away, face reddening.

I'll never forget the way he looked, with the borrowed light of the moon further paling his face, with that saturnine expression of wisdom, and absolute equanimity with the world.

___

We flew for five hours, before we had to land and refuel, maybe stretch our legs a little.

I was always known for record endurance, but I hadn't slept, and I was starting to get cramped.

As I found out, what the Gundams lacked in scenery, they made up for in speed and efficiency.

Never mind. I'll never forget that wind and the moon, then the explosion of vibrant colors as the sun started to rise amidst the wild spray of orange and violet sky. The birds flying by my side, one daring thing even brushing past my head. I had yelped in surprise then, and I knew that a person, perhaps like my old nemesis Zechs Marquise might have found it ironic that a bird could catch me off-guard and he couldn't.

We spoke little, Trowa and I. Save for the discussion of the next stop, another small-scale airport, but this time near a town.

When we touched the land, I suddenly felt embarrassed again at how…how _green I seemed. Naïve and gawking. Especially since…I've carefully cultivated an image of myself that I wanted to believe, and be believed by others._

Hard and unfeeling and efficient.

I was starting to doubt that that was what I truly am. But apparently, Trowa thought so.

And I'm not as pleased as I thought I would be, now that people accepted what I tried so hard to make them believe.

We went to a little diner a five-minute walk away. I was hesitant to let Trowa do anything too taxing, but the glare he gave me, knowing I was going to bring it up made me think twice.

He seemed all right to me. A little slower than usual, but no less graceful. I was careful to keep pace; I had no plans of magnifying his weakness, something that I always knew somewhat embarrassed him, as much as I was always loathe to expose mine.

We settled in a little booth in a corner, and I was pretty darn relieved that Trowa actually thought to have some money on him.

"Just coffee" I was saying when the smells that wafted from the kitchen made my stomach growl. Wow. Oily, fatty, unhealthy food. It's been a long, long while since I had anything other than the bases' regulation healthy-mush. I was bred for that sort of thing and I grew up not bothering to want anything other than what I was given. But I wasn't passing up an opportunity.

"Just coffee" had abruptly developed into a full-scale breakfast that was a master of taste and cholesterol. Scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, hot chocolate, orange juice, toast, sausage, cereal, donuts, bagels…

My face reddened again, for the nth time when the bill arrived.

Trowa just shrugged indifferently, assuring me in that strange way of his that everything was perfectly all right. Smiling or laughing would have embarrassed me further, and he wasn't about to get angry over some minor…um…problem.

As our waitress, a pretty, loud lady named Medina cleared my multitude of plates, I noticed that Trowa had scrawled several things on a tissue paper.

"What's that?" I asked.

It was his turn to blush this time. I wasn't used to it, but again, he made it seem perfectly all right.

"A list" he replied simply. "Last night, Duo was telling me a story, about this man who wrote down the lose ends he was supposed to tie up before he goes"

I restrained myself from taking a peak.

Laughing at himself, he shoved the paper into my hands, and I looked at him uncertainly. This latest dilemma in Trowa's life—and what looked to be his last as well, had changed him vastly. The mask had fallen.

I wanted to breathe past this damn thing too, so I wanted to ask him how he removed it, how hard it was and where had he kept it after pulling it off? But I couldn't. Not yet.

I looked at the list, and Trowa surprised me yet again.

He must have lost his mind.

Loose-end number one was that he wanted to lose his virginity.

He was looking at my reaction, blushing and laughing shamelessly.

The Loose-ends that followed were, in comparison, a little more rational and had little notes scrawled here and there, in his practical style.

Riding an old biplane was loose-end number four, and was already checked.  Bungee-jumping was disregarded, in lieu of the fact that it wasn't anything as compared to walking a tight-rope without a net.

Junky breakfast was checked too.

Swimming with dolphins was an interesting thought, though an asterisk beside it indicated that it was optional. The lions and the other animals in the circus made up for the lack of dolphins, apparently.

Yes, Duo's train of thought could be detected in these other-worldly aims and mild references to pop-culture. From the impossible to the ridiculous, everything was here.

Trowa also wanted to catch a ten-pound fish and then put it back into the sea. Then there was that silly little desire of jumping through a glass window while riding a black stallion, though disregarded because he didn't want to break his neck before getting to loose-end no. seven, a dip in the River of Absolution.

It was a relatively short list, I decided. And now's as good a time as any to accomplish more of the enumerated goals.

We rented a room in the local motel.

It wasn't such a bad place, just a little…unused. Sunfields wasn't a particular tourist attraction.

While a weary Trowa took over one of the single-beds and fell into an exhausted sleep that worried me a little, I decided to distract myself and look into our route to the River.

We had just come from the Sanc Kingdom, which was roughly at the center of Earth's old Europe. In those days, the planet was divided into different countries, each with it's own sets of rules and governments. When humanity reached a grander scale that expanded into colonies, the world suddenly seemed smaller, and the concept of one country suddenly applied to one planet.

Anyway, each of the continents were referred to with 'Old', because they weren't so applicable anymore as separate nations, just separate locations.

In any case, the proverbial River was situated in Southeast Asia, in a small island represented in the world map as microscopic dots and the words Penn Exchange.

We had several more stops before getting there, just about enough to accomplish everything in that crazy list.

That Duo, always making everything so complicated.

I sighed.

This was a mission, this was a mission.

If anyone could do it, the pilot of Wing Zero could.

I concentrated on the most delicate, if not most difficult of goals.        

Getting laid around here could be a problem.

Small town, everyone knows everyone. Not going to be easy for a young stranger, unless he had enough money to go grab a whore, and I didn't want that for Trowa.

It was a funny request, and I couldn't seem to get over it.

It made me think of the rest of us pilots. Wufei was married once, I heard. No problems there. Quatre…he had all the right qualifications. Looks that gave the distinct impression of compassion and sensitivity, not to mention wealth—and there were a lot of shallow people in the world. But he was very trusting and giving, so it was probably just as well that he was still child enough to hesitate moving in that direction. Duo…I always envied the way by which he conducted himself with people. Confident, open, amusing and…riveting. He held the eye, even if I didn't usually give a damn what new complaint he has about the rest of the universe (or usually about me). I don't think he would have much of a problem getting girls…but it wasn't exactly a particular topic of conversation I dared venture into. I wouldn't ever hear the end of it.

Think: the only thing that gets silent Heero Yuy talking was if it was about sex. I had more self-respect and pride not to think of that.

As for Trowa…I didn't think he would have trouble either. Looks-wise, objectively speaking. And he seems like a person who has seen a lot, experienced things.

Come to think of it, I probably did too. But so far, there was only Relena who has openly showed interest in me, and I think she has something more stifling and permanent in mind than a raunchy night. Love was a funny, fleeting, uncertain thing.

Thinking about them made me realize that Trowa and I had left without a word, and reminded me that by now, there was an empty bed at Vassily Medical, not to mention very panicked people who would very gladly wring my neck for this little episode.

When Trowa had woken up, I had just finished calling up for some lunch. A healthier one this time, more for him than for me.

He had stepped into the bathroom to wash the sleep from his face, when the knock came and I rushed to answer the door.

I froze, upon seeing the person who had brought in the food.

"You called for room service?" she asked, in that wonderful alto.

I blinked, my mind trying to register the face before me.

It's been years, and she was still beautiful. Her hair was a straight and silky bold shade of red, that got me thinking of swimming in it. It covered half of her well-sculpted face, but exposed enough of her full lips and glorious cheekbones, not to mention her eyes the color of storm clouds.

I knew her, though she couldn't possibly know me.

She was about two years older than me, and her name way Nadya Elmina. As I grew up in training, it was always her name I heard amongst fellow soldiers, always her pictures in the barracks and her records playing.

Vaguely, I felt Trowa step out of the bathroom, and he was gawking as I was, undoubtedly recognizing her. Any soldier could.

I remembered those days, when I had concentrated so much on excelling, but it was difficult to disregard her pictures and the constant chatter about her, usually very obscene.

"Yes" I replied thinly, offering to take the tray from her but she had shouldered her way past me, putting it against the round table at the corner of the room, right by the windows. She had kept her head low, after that short eternity when she had looked at me and asked me about the room service.

"Will there be anything else?" she asked meekly, stepping away from the table.

I frowned a little. "Actually, yes" I couldn't seem to restrain myself. "Aren't you Nadya Elmina?"

Her head shot up then, her stunning hair flying just enough to expose the half-face she hid underneath it.

Oh, God.

Now I remembered why Nadya Elmina had faded into the background during the war.

It was an accident, while playing for troops that suddenly got attacked. There was a fire. She had nearly died, they said. And maybe she had, for no one ever knew what had become of her. But she was alive. Surviving with half of her beautiful face. The other half, the left one, had drooped and darkened in an ugly mass of scar, with her eye now white and unseeing.

Her face showed momentary panic, then broke into a nervous smile. I knew then that I was right, and that she wouldn't admit it.

"People say I look like her all the time" she said lightly, walking towards the door. "But that isn't likely, is it?"

"No, it's not" I lied.

She walked away, and I turned to Trowa, who was looking at the space she had left with a thoughtful frown on his face.

When Trowa had slunk off into another exhausted sleep that afternoon, I decided to take a walk around town, maybe think a little.

I hadn't gone very far from the motel when I passed by a lonely bar. There were drunkards just outside of it; I wasn't very surprised to see people like them foxed at this early hour. There seemed nothing else to do around here.  That was also about the time I noticed they were giving someone a hard time.

A jittery woman, with a stunning head of red hair.

"Come on, girly-girl" teased one of the burlier ones, "pretty look-alike. Give me a fuck. Hell, give us all a fuck and maybe you'll save enough to get that hideous face fixed up"

She was just passing by, with a basket of food in her dainty hands, when they had intercepted her. She tried ignoring them, but they blocked her way.

Damn fools.

I was just making my way towards them, to give her a hand. But in the middle of crossing the street I noticed she didn't really need my help; she was swinging that basket like Duo with a scythe, and just as effective.

Soon, the burly men were down on the ground.

I smiled a little, very much impressed.

I caught up with her and walked beside her.

With her adrenaline still pumping, she swung the basket at me, but I had ducked and neatly took it from her hands.

"You!" she exclaimed breathlessly. "Don't surprise me, all right?"

She let me carry the basket, all the way back to the motel's kitchen.

"That was some show" I told her uncertainly, wondering about her mood. Wondering about mine. What was I doing?

"I deal with it everyday" she said distractedly, taking the basket from my hands and removing the contents. "You get used to it"

"Won't they give you trouble for hurting them, later?" I asked. I knew about hurt, masochistic pride.

"No" she replied, "they never remember anything, when they're intoxicated"

Just as well, I figured. But something inexplicable within me was a little disappointed that I couldn't get to be…her hero. The way I was with Relena.

"Do you own this place? Run it on your own?" I asked, wanting to know more about her.

"Yes" she answered. "I get occasional help, like that old man who checked you in earlier today. Anyway, it's not that profitable, but you get what you could" she gave me a jaunty smile, "your friend is a big tipper"

I can believe that. The way he had gawked, you'll never believe it.

"I must say, though" she said, "I'm wondering what you're doing here. In case you missed it, we have no tourist season, and the only reason people stop by around here is when they need repairs on their planes, or refueling"

"Refueling" I confirmed. "Any…sights around here that would be worth my while?"

She laughed. "If there are, I haven't seen any"

I liked her easy laugh. That voice. But mostly, her strange character.

"You know any place where I can swim with dolphins?" I blurted out. She made me feel so at ease.

She looked at me uncertainly. "I'll look into it"

"What?" I prodded. That was a strange, measuring look she gave me.

"I don't mean to pry," she said, "but is that…that boy you're with. Is he…um…"

Christ, I knew where this was going.

"Are you lovers?" she blurted out, face reddening.

But surely not as red as mine.

"Sorry" she said, linking and unlinking her fingers nervously. "This is a backward place. Haven't seen…um…any of that in a while."

The embarrassment faded, just as I found bubbling laughter in my chest. "What gave you that idea?" I choked.

She shrugged, avoiding my gaze. "Two boys, in a sparsely populated town. And…the uh…dolphin thing. It's kind of strange and I thought, if the uh…that kind of thing interests you then…you might have other strange interests too"

"It's strange, yes" I conceded, stifling my laughter. "but no, we are not lovers"

"That's good" she breathed, as if in relief. Then she caught herself. "I mean, in a sense that—"

I held up a hand to silence her. "It's all right"

"I'm sorry" she squeaked. "There must be something I can do to make up for offending you. I know how men are, with this masculinity thing"

That was a funny thing to have to hear, and I must admit I was intrigued. But I saw the perfect opening, and I wasn't going to let it pass.

"There is something you can do" I told her.

Her eyebrows raised slightly. Apparently, it was a rhetorical question. Never mind.

"I saw a piano in the coffee shop" I said, knowing I was taking a gamble. "Sing me one song, Nadya. Just one."

The lightness in her eyes had fallen away, in place of something that was far worse than angry fire. It was resignation, hopelessness and defeat.

"She died a long time ago" came the quiet reply, as she turned her back on me and fixed everything in the cabinet.

Nadya had decided to ignore me by then, so I stepped out of the kitchen to continue my stroll around town.

The basket had been filled with the goodies we had for dinner.

No more junk; this was healthy, home-cooking. Something I never knew until Quatre Winner had us as guests in any one of his homes at one time or another. Nadya was a great cook, ready to go head to head with Quatre's uptight team of chefs.

Trowa and I decided to eat at the small café, downstairs this time. It was a little dusty, like the entire place. It had that unused feeling, magnified by the fact that Trowa and I were the only customers. I couldn't get my eyes away from the black, baby grand piano in one darkened corner of the room.

"This is fantastic" Trowa told her heartily when she refilled our glasses, though I noticed he hadn't eaten as much as I had.

"Thanks" she said, smiling slightly. She's been avoiding me, us, whatever. She'd been flitting in, flitting out. With that nervous hand gesture. She was going to fly away again, when Trowa made a gently persuasive grab for her hand.

She flinched slightly, but met his gaze. "Please let go"

"Have you eaten?" he asked.

Her brows furrowed in thought, wondering where this was going probably as much as I was.

"No…" she replied uncertainly.

"Then eat with us" Trowa said, not waiting for a reply as he pulled her down to a chair.

Nadya sat down warily. "I'm telling you, befriending the owner won't save you from the bill" she joked nervously.

Trowa chuckled. "My mistake. You can get up now"

I watched them speak, spellbound. Though we knew each other, she didn't know our names, so Trowa introduced us. But she barely showed she knew I was there, so busy were the two of them in their coquetry.

Trowa just hit on a girl.

Trowa just hit on a girl.

Digest, assimilate.

Later that night, we returned to our room and I paced, waiting for the arrival of the woman I had arranged with earlier today.

"Heero, relax" Trowa said with an uncertain smile. "What are you so uptight about?"

Okay. Do it in one breath, don't think.

"Trowa, I got you a whore" I blurted, waiting for his reaction.

Blink. Blink.

I couldn't think of anything else you can get…um…, I wanted to say. But couldn't. My brain had frozen.

We hadn't had time for anything else, when a rap on the door got me startled.

I pried the door open, and saw the woman from this afternoon.

She was about three years older than Trowa or I. Young, if you think about it. But she was a professional. She would know what to do. Her name was Solana, Exotic, which means it probably wasn't her real one. But she was beautiful. If I had to get Trowa a whore, I might as well get the best one.

She was a little on the waif-side. Not voluptuous, but distinctly sexy. Her face was like the work of a master sculptor, framed by waves of black. Her eyes had the same midnight of her hair, and reminded me of a person who had seen too much, therefore adding a sense of drama and mystery.

"Hello Heero" she greeted me with a wink, stepping into the room and boldly looking at Trowa from head to toe. "This is going to be better than I first thought. My, he's cute"

Trowa had a dubious smile on his face, torn between laughing and crying. "Um…so are you"

Solana took off her short brown coat, exposing a great amount of flesh in an even shorter dress, in a deceptively immaculate white. She turned to me, with a delicate eyebrow raised.

"Are you going to watch?"

I must have blanched, because she laughed.

She waved away the issue. "Oh, I don't mind. It's erotic, actually—"

"I'll get out" I said quickly, grabbing a jacket and heading for the door. On my way out, I stopped and turned to face her.

"Yup?" she asked expectantly.

I let out a breath, Trowa wasn't going to like it, but this Solana girl has to know that he was in a…a weakened state, and therefore, no hardplay. Nothing…um…kinky.

"He's kinda sick" I said quickly, "don't do anything um…rough"

She brightened at that, for some reason. "Oh…I see. That's okay. I'm kind of sick too"

My eyes widened. I worked quick; I grabbed some money from the table, shoved some bills into her hands. Then I shoved her coat into her hands too, pulled her out the door and shut it behind me.

Trowa was snickering, and I glared at him.

"You were thinking of adding STD's to my list of problems, I take it" he teased. Ungrateful bastard. Not like I didn't try--

"Shut up"

Later that night, I found myself lying in bed but staring at the ceiling.

The whole point of this stop was to rest, sleep. I remembered that I hadn't slept in how long. Two days. But my nerves were on edge, as I listened to Trowa's breathing as he slept.

I was afraid. So afraid, that it would just stop. I had to be awake, just in case.

Getting up, I headed for the door.

Gotta grab some coffee.

I looked at the chronometer on my wrist. It was about midnight, and I didn't want to have to rouse Nadya. I can get the coffee on my own, especially since I knew where it was, having been on the kitchen with her before.

I hadn't made it very far into the room in question, when the lights flashed open, and I found Nadya standing a few feet away from me, a gun in her hands, an expression of relief and surprise on her face.

"Heero?!" she exclaimed, "do you actually enjoy surprising people?"

"Was just getting coffee" I grumbled, "Didn't want to wake you up"

She looked at me knowingly. "Yeah, you care right? And incidentally, my not knowing about you grabbing some coffee would also exempt you from having to pay for it, right?"

"Think what you want" I growled. That was an unfair accusation, and it hadn't even crossed my mind.

She frowned a little, but conceded with a little sigh. "Oh, all right. This one is on the house. But you fix it yourself, okay?"

I nodded.

"You know where everything is" she said with that jaunty smile, "so that helping me with the basket thing this morning was a technique too. I'm impressed"

Now I knew she was teasing. But I wasn't up for it. I pushed my way past her, heading for the cabinets.

She leaned by one of the counters. I pretended I wasn't watching, but I could see her clearly from the corner of my eye. She was wearing a delectably light robe. She was watching me curiously.

"You're angry" she observed coolly. "I must have said something"

I looked at her, then back to the coffee I was preparing. "Get back to sleep, Nadya"

"I go by the name Nadine now" she said. "But I have a feeling, even if you know that, you'd still going to call me by that other name"

"It's who you are" I told her flatly. Which made me feel like a hypocrite.

"Not anymore" she said lightly, though her eyes were lonelier than ever. She pushed the hair away from her face, showing me her scarred part for a brief moment. "In case you missed it"

I hadn't said anything about it. What was I supposed to? What would Duo have said? He always knows what to say…

She shrugged away the issue. "Anyway, 'what's in a name', right?"

I thought back to me, my borrowed name. Trowa's borrowed name. And now hers. Shouldn't let them define us.

I stirred my coffee.

"I guess you're trying to stay up" she observed, "That's not good, you know. Especially if you're flying a plane. Always need to have adequate rest"

I was a Gundam pilot, lady. That means we're the most overworked people in the world. I can handle it.

"You know what you're doing, I suppose" she said uncomfortably, started linking her hands again.

Do I make you nervous, Nadya?

"This morning you were trying to talk to me" she pointed out, "why ignore me now, Heero?"

I was a little crazy this morning. This is my normal mode.

"Well, good night" she said quietly, walking away.

Good night, Nadya.

I headed for our room.

__

Come morning, Trowa and I had breakfast at the café in the inn again. I had a feeling Trowa wanted to see our lone hostess once more.

He was still in high spirits, over last night's mistake with Solana. At my expense, of course. And again, he had convinced a laughing Nadya to sit with us for breakfast.

And again, I watched and said nothing.

At least, not until Trowa gasped a little, and broke into a cold sweat. He hunched forward on the table and closed his eyes.

I shot up from my seat. "Trowa?!"

I noticed Nadya was looking at the food she had cooked, fearing having committed food poisoning.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry…" she moaned, getting up. "I'm going to call on the local physician—"

"No" Trowa managed a little smile for her. "I'm fine"

"Like hell you are!" she retorted, stalking towards the phone.

Trowa looked up at me pleadingly. "Heero, stop her"

I was going to snap that there were greater concerns in the universe than this stubborn woman, but just sighed in irritation. I caught up with Nadya and grabbed her arm.

"It's okay" I told her curtly.

She looked up at me defiantly, pulling her arm away. But she hadn't continued with her phone call.

I helped Trowa to his feet, and headed straight for our room. I felt her presence, worried for him as she walked behind me.

I settled Trowa into bed, watched him sleep. And she still hadn't left. Nadya was standing by the door, leaning on the ledge.

I stood up and faced her.

"Is he okay?" she asked meekly

"He's fine" I told her crossly, pushing her out a little and closing the door on her startled face.

He's fine.

He's fine.

By the time Trowa had awakened, it was already midday.

Wryly assuring me that he wouldn't die for the next few minutes, I accepted this with a nod and stepped out of our room.

Through the hours, I've had little else to think about but how I had taken all my frustrations out on a lady who deserved none of it.

This morning's episode also gripped me with fear; this was real. He was dying. He was, he was. And the brutal reality of it had just sunk in. I didn't even know that I was denying it. It was like a sudden twist of a dagger that was already protruding from my chest.

I found Nadya in the coffee shop, sitting on the piano chair, running her hands along the keys absently.

Remembering that she hadn't liked being surprised, I cleared my throat to catch her attention.

She was still startled, jumping a little. Though her face showed none of it, determined to look annoyed at me.

"What do you want?" she snapped, breaking the charged silence.

I wanted to apologize. But couldn't find the words. I've lost the ability. There were too many sins already. To apologize for one and disregard the rest…

Don't think, damn it.

"I'm sorry" I blurted out.

She smile slightly, pushing the loose strands of her hair behind her ears. I've noticed that as of late, she's not been hiding her scarred half.

"Well now," she said, "that wasn't so hard was it?"

Easier than I thought. Going to have to get into the habit again.

"How is he?" Nadya asked, forehead creasing in concern.

I shrugged, walking towards her and the dusty piano. "Play"

She ignored my request as I had ignored her question.

We fell into an uncomfortable silence.

Why did I come? I've already finished apologizing, but it still felt incomplete.

Then it suddenly struck me.

Yes, I've just realized the gravity of Trowa's situation. He was dying, and we had precious little time. Trowa liked this girl. And my friend was going to get what he wanted…

"I've come to ask a favor" I told her flatly.

She looked amused. "From what you just did, I'd say you're the one who owes me. But this is interesting. Speak"

Damn, this was hard. What would Duo have said? Or would he even do what I'm doing now? Never mind.

"Trowa likes you" I said.

"Yes, I know" she chuckled, but contrasted her relaxed exterior by that nervous hand gesture again, linking and unlinking her fingers.

Say it fast, before you change your mind.

"He holds you in high regard" I continued, "And I think you deserve him"

She raised an eyebrow at me.

"He's a great person," I continued. Can't stop now. Trowa the tight-rope-walker would say, Don't Look Down a.k.a. don't look at the consequences. You're there already, just go forward until you reach the safe point. "he's dying, and I want you to try to make him happy while he's here"

"You…want me to…?" she asked brokenly. "I saw that whore coming in here the other night and I'm not….not…"

"You don't have to…to…" have sex with him, I thought. "I figured out that it wouldn't do to just…just have a physical relationship"

"Solana did leave a little early" she said meekly. Nadya had a very strong character, save for being nosy at times.

"Love him, Nadya" I found a begging edge in my voice that displeased me. "Or at least pretend to"

She closed her eyes, caught her breath. "This isn't fair, Heero" she said shakily, "I'm out of my league here"

I couldn't understand.

She opened her eyes and looked at me with despair. "You shouldn't use your advantages against me. It's _you _I love"

Bang! That was my jaw, on the floor there.

"From that first moment," she went on, pushing her momentum, Not Looking Down. "You treated me as if I was the same person I used to be. No pity, no resentment, no disgust. Didn't you ever wonder why I always showed my face to you? I thought maybe you hadn't seen it, that's why you treat me like this. But even if you had, you treat me the same, wonderful way. No one ever has. Heero, I love you for that"

What was I supposed to say about that?

She stood up and gripped my arms as if it was her lifeline. She lifted her face to mine. "Look at me, Heero. Stare as hard as you want. But you'd still see what was inside, wouldn't you?"

I blinked at her, pulled from her grasp and headed out the shop.

"Heero" she called out softly, making me stop dead in my tracks.

"You can walk out of here and decide to ignore me forever" she said determinedly, "but you can never make yourself forget everything you've heard me say. I'll do what you ask, Heero. I'll show Trowa the best time he'll ever have in his life. But we both know…I do it because it makes you happy"

I walked out then.

I knew that it was I who was out of my league, now.

It's not fair, Nadya. You shouldn't use your advantages against me.

It's you I l—

For the first time in my life I was annoyed that a person was working quickly and efficiently.

Come dinnertime, I was once again nothing but an audience to Trowa and Nadya's flirting, this time no longer so innocent.

I ducked out early, heading straight for our room, not wanting to think but not being able to help it.

I was pacing again, especially since it was past midnight, and Trowa was yet to return.

Sun rose slowly. My legs cramped. I sank gratefully onto the bed.

And realized, that if Trowa wasn't here, there was only one place in the world he could have been in.

I walked down for breakfast at a decent hour, only to find I had the inn all to myself.

Nadya and Trowa had left me a note by the refrigerator.

Went swimming with dolphins. You know where all the food is. See you at lunch.

Went swimming with dolphins, a.k.a., you're not invited. You know where all the food is, a.k.a. fix it yourself. See you at lunch, a.k.a. don't follow.

They hadn't been back by lunch.

Trowa and I were only supposed to stay for a day, and it looks like we were staying a little longer than what was originally expected.

I grabbed some money Trowa had left, and looked around town for some practical stuff, like a change of clothes and some toothbrushes.

I hadn't been out shopping in so long.

Granted, this small, backward town wasn't the best place to shop, but I was always used to getting things for free and uniform, regulation-style. I never thought I would be deciding which color toothbrush to buy, which toothpaste, what flavor…things like that.

I felt a little stupid, gawking at this wide aisle full of nothing but bath things. Shall I get Dial or Irish Spring? Vidal Sassoon or Clairol? ut I was enjoying myself; I ended up buying more than I needed, adding a bag of Extra Creamy Kisses on the side, and grabbing a pack of Smints from the counter.

I returned to our room, to find Trowa sitting on the bed, removing his shoes as if he was just preparing to hit the sack.

He smiled, looking at my bags of groceries.

"Looks like somebody infiltrated the local supermarket" he teased, before slinking off into another tired nap.

I sighed, and placed the groceries on the table at the corner.

There was a sheet of paper there, and I noticed that it was Trowa's checklist.

Despite my will, I ended up reaching for it.

As I had thought, Loose-end number one was checked, along with the dolphins.

* * *

I let it go on for another two weeks.

Trowa barely spent time with me anymore, and since he was with the only other person here, I was always by myself. I didn't mind so much being alone: when I got tired of the supermarket, I discovered the cinemas and watched Star Wars fifteen times.

It was a routine, now: all three of us would be together for dinner, where there was an unspoken agreement that I had to slink off early. I would have my breakfast alone, and if they feel like it, they'll join me for lunch, though that was rare.

More of the Loose-ends were checked, courtesy of Nadya who seemed to have known about them.

Trowa had already gone bungee-jumping, though he had disregarded it. He had also crashed through a window on a horse. And done that fish-thing. And she made him experience other things that weren't on the list; like giving him that idiotic hat Trowa's been wearing, along with that silly grin. It was just like Indiana Jones', a childhood fascination.

But while he was always happy, the attacks of severe pain had been more frequent, his exhaustion worse.

He had been tucked in bed in our room for about an hour, when I went down to the kitchen to talk to Nadya.

The sun was setting, I could see in the windows. She was preparing dinner, the smells alone making me hungry.

But never mind that, for now.

"I wanted to thank you" I said.

She jumped, dropping a glass cup and it shattered on the ground.  Muttering a curse, she fell on all fours, as I had, and we tidied the mess, heads just a few inches apart.

"No need to" she told me, lifting her head to face me.

This was the first time we've had a serious conversation, after that bitter exchange at the coffee shop.

"You've made him very happy" I continued, "And I couldn't begin to show how much…gratified I am—"

"Don't thank me" she seethed, "don't you dare thank me"

I rubbed my hands tiredly over my face. "I'm sorry if you feel forced to—"

"Shut up" she snapped, "Listen to me, you self-centered jerk. No one can force me into anything. Not anymore. At first I did this because of you. But now…" her voice settled, and I found…endearment in it. "Now I'm doing this for me. And for Trowa. Don't thank me because I didn't do it for you. I've already slept with him, I told myself it was supposed to end there. But I couldn't stay away. I…I…love him"

What was I supposed to say about that? What would Duo have said? Would he even get into this much trouble?

I was supposed to be happy. I never said I loved her. I never wanted to think about it. But why did it hurt me to have lost her love?

She placed a hand upon my cheek, making me flinch at the contact. She saw my discomfort, but held my gaze.

"It's you I have to thank" she told me softly.

I nodded, and pulled away, getting to my feet as I headed away again.

"You're a good friend, Heero" she told me, "deep inside you must know that"

Women.

Makes everything so much more complicated.

I was pacing our room again, when I felt Trowa's eyes watching me.

"What?" I barked at him, annoyed at his expression of mild interest.

His eyes softened. "Does it bother you so much to be here, Heero?"

I glared at him. "You pulled a gun on me, Trowa. Take a wild guess"

He sat up, looking at me with a measuring expression. "That's not fair, Heero" he said quietly, "don't blame me. You could have stopped this at the beginning. You could have called Quatre and the others. I've given you time to be alone, to go away. But you're still here"

There's no fooling him. There never was.

"Why?" he prodded.

"You need me" I told him.

"Have I ever thanked you?" he asked.

Gratitude. I hated it, as much as I hated apologizing.

"You don't have to" I snapped.

"I want to" he told me, "And I'll say it before you can stop me. Thank you, Heero"

I decided to shut up, after that.

Trowa was happy. That's all that mattered. And Nadya was happy too.

I watched them tease and talk and flirt, feeling sorry for myself. Their eyes held gentle compassion, a catch on their voices every now and then, knowing that even if their love would last forever, they had precious little time to act on it.

Maybe that's why they never could get enough of each other.

I didn't mind being so alone anymore, and watching Star Wars another fifteen times.

Time…Another two weeks had passed, bringing the total up to a little over one month. And Trowa was still alive.

Maybe it was because there seemed no time in Sunfields. Sun rose, sun set, but everything was the same. Same people, same place, same conversations.

I had convinced myself that we could live forever, in a place like this that time forgot.

That was until one night. It was just another night, I was alone in the room Trowa and I once shared, and he was in Nadya's.

She had rapped like crazy on the door, and I pulled it open, only to have her grasp my arm and bully me to her room.

Trowa was on the bed, limp and pale and breathing raggedly. He was clothed, which meant, thankfully, that I hadn't broken in the middle of something intimate.

"Trowa?" I called, shaking him by the shoulders. "Trowa?"

His eyes opened slightly, pained face breaking into a smile. "Heero…"

"What's wrong?" I asked, panicked. This was the worst I've seen yet.

"Hurts…" he said.

"I know" I said, feeling stupid. So why did I ask? Never mind. "Sleep it off, all right?"

He murmured something, falling asleep.

I looked to Nadya, who was staring at me with devastation in her eyes.

No one could live forever.

__

I was telling myself, he'd sleep it off, wake up after a few hours and everything would be okay again.

We'll have dinner, then Trowa and Nadya would spend the rest of the day together. I'll go to the cinema, watch Star Wars.

But he was so weak, now. Couldn't get out of bed. Could barely sit.

Not fair. Things were looking up.

Not fair, not fair, not fair.

About two days after his attack, I was in the kitchen in the evening, thinking.

Nadya and I had been taking turns watching Trowa.

How could things get so worse, so fast?

A harried Nadya barged into the kitchen, making my heart stop for a moment, recalling the last time she had come for me in a panicked state.

"What happened?" I asked, as we jogged to her room.

"He asked for you" she said numbly, tiredly. Tears would come later, I could see it in her…eye.

Was he…was he…?

I stopped by the side of the bed. Trowa was leaning heavily against the headboard, looking at me with a saturnine smile.

"Bust me out of here, Heero" he told me quietly.

I blinked. "What?!"

"We have to get to the River" he said, "help me up"

"No—" I argued, but should have known how futile it was.

"Help me up, or I'll get up on my own" he said, as he started doing so.

"Damn it, Trowa—" but I hoisted him up my shoulder.

Nadya watched us as we passed her by. She was hurt and astounded. "Where are you going?!"

Trowa paused, looked at her. "We have to get to the River, Nadya. The River of Absolution. Before I—"

She dashed forward and wrapped him in a tight hug, making me let go of Trowa. "I love you"

"I love you more" he said, teasing. "I love you, Nadya. And I'll love you just as much tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after that. But all we'll ever have is today"

"I know" she said, sobbing.

"I never promised you I would stay" Trowa went on.

"I know…"

And unmade promises couldn't be broken.

We all knew this was temporary, right from the start.

But that didn't take the pain away.

She supported Trowa on her small shoulders, and I let her, following cautiously behind.

"I have a car" she said, "I'll drive you to the airstrip"

"Wait…" said Trowa, "before we leave. Sing me a song, Nadya. Just one"

I held my breath. I had said the same thing before. She never yielded. But now, she nodded, and the three of us headed for the coffee shop.

She sat on the piano after settling Trowa on me. Nadya smiled at us uncertainly. "A little out of practice. Haven't done this in years"

But as I listened her hands moved expertly along the keys, voice like an angel's. She looked hesitant, but was driven by a passion that had engulfed the room. She hadn't committed a single mistake.

It was an old song I hadn't recognized, and I was sure few could. But the words, the tone, the way she looked as she sang them…

_Say goodbye_…she sang, _when I can hardly say goodnight…If I can hardly take my eyes from yours…How far can I go?_

Christ, I lost half of it. My eyes stung, my throat hurt. It was the first time in my life any kind of pain within me had turned into something physical and unbearable. 

It was over soon.

Trowa had suddenly become heavier against me.

I decided we could move faster if I carried him, so I placed one arm on his back, the other behind his knees.

The three of us made our way to Nadya's car, then arrived at the airstrip.

Night had fallen. Things were moving so fast.

We stepped off the car quickly, as near to the plane as we were allowed.

I lifted a semi-conscious Trowa into my arms again, and Nadya gave him a heart-wrenching kiss.

I settled him into the plane, then paused to look at Nadya who was crying.

Trowa always had a penchant for women's tears. It hadn't worked for me. Maybe that was why she had suited us both so much. One eye crying, one eye too dead to.

I walked to her. "The money for our stay was left with all the other things in the room"

"Yes, I know" she said softly, "would you ever come back for them? don't they mean much to you?"

Come back to you, is that it? How much you mean to…me?

"Probably not" I answered the first question. Not the second.

Play it safe. Unmade promises can't be broken.

"I should have known" she said, giving me a hug, then pulled away to kiss me on the cheek.

Acting impulsively, I turned my head just as she moved closer, so that our lips would brush.

"I love you" I told her, then turned on her and headed for the plane. I didn't want to see how she reacted. So I never looked back.

We soared to the skies.

"You like her" Trowa said drowsily.

What was I supposed to say about that?

"It's all right" he said, "I've always wanted to share the greatest parts of my life with you, except you never let me"

We've been flying for hours.

Trowa had stopped talking, all I could hear from him, even past the din of the wind, was his ragged breathing.

I checked the stats. The River of Absolution was ten hours away, not to mention we had to stop to refuel three hours from now.

Somewhere inside me, I knew he wasn't going to make it.

The skies were lightening to a deceptively charming indigo, with specks of orange from the East.

The sun would be rising soon.

"Trowa?" I called, "look, the sun's rising"

No reply.

"Damn it, Trowa, talk"

I never thought I'd be begging anyone to. Please, damn it. Any sign of life will do. Curse at me, I don't care.

I craned my neck to look at him; his head was lolling back. He looked like a rag doll.

Was he even still alive?

Rubbing one hand across my watering eyes, I put the plane to a sharp tilt, heading for a landing.

It was a wide field, with a fine brush of trees in the near distance.

I jumped from my seat, then carried him to the ground, shaking him.

"Trowa, wake up!"

He opened his eyes slowly, struggled to focus his emerald gaze on me.

"Land…" he said, in a weak voice but with incredible joy. "We're here, aren't we? I didn't think I could make it…"

I racked my brain.

Deciding on the lie.

"Yes, Trowa, we're here" I said.

"Where's the River?" he asked.

I had seen something, as we landed.

Yes, it couldn't be far. It would have to do.

I carried him, across the fields, then pushed past the trees.

There was a shallow creek, strewn with random jagged rocks. It was a narrow stream, about eight feet across, but long. It was lined by old trees on both sides, but the ends were open, like a tunnel. The light of the rising sun appeared at the ends of it.

I headed straight for the pleasantly cool water, where I sat down and cradled him against me.

"Forgiveness" he said softly, "salvation. Feels good, doesn't it, Heero?"

"Yes" I said tightly.

I've always known he would die.

But, as was the case with everything, fore-knowing couldn't ever really take away the pain of it all.

It's been a month. I was supposed to have been ready for this long ago, but I found myself saying, begging: "Don't. Don't leave, Trowa. Don't"

He chuckled a little against me, laying a shaking hand against my face. "You've pretty eyes, Heero. Cobalt blue…"

"Don't. Don't leave" I begged. But I had a feeling he wasn't going to give in to my request.

"Pretty eyes" he murmured. "My friend. My brother. How far can I go?"

I remembered what Nadya had sung. _If I can hardly take my eyes from yours, how far can I go?_

I blinked, my tears falling on his face.

He smiled at me, that serene smile.

The hand fell from my cheek, making a gentle splash.

The locals arrested me.

I thought about it numbly.

There was a group of fifteen police officers, who had traced the illegal landing of our plane, then followed my tracks to the creek.

They found me with a lifeless body in my arms, and thought that I had murdered it and was disposing of the body in the water.

They pulled Trowa from my limp arms, dragged me to my feet, cuffed, me, read me my rights, then dumped me in an interrogation room.

I didn't know how long I've been in here, sitting in this stiff chair, cuffed hands on the table. No one has come to question me.

The door opened, but I didn't bother to look at who it was.

Like a misguided dream, Duo Maxwell popped into my line of vision.

"There you are" he said softly, sitting across from me. "You two put us on a merry chase, Heero. But if anyone wanted to vanish and could succeed, I would have bet it was either you or Trowa"

What was I supposed to say about that?

Duo tsked, and I could tell he was going to start on a half-hearted joke. His voice was gently chiding, but his eyes held pain. "You know…you've been AWOL, accused of kidnapping, and now murder too. You were on a roll, why didn't you resist arrest?"

He sighed, staring at me. "We finally traced you here. And you're free to go"

He tossed me the keys to my cuffs. I didn't bother to catch it. My arms were leaden. I felt so tired, so wasted.

It clanked on the floor, useless.

Sighing again, Duo crawled under the table, took the keys and set me free.

"Get up, Heero" he said, "we're leaving"

I couldn't. It felt so much safer here.

Duo was looking at me with pity in his violet eyes. Now that Trowa was dead, everything would be focused on me. Great. Damn deserter. Deserters got shot during the war…

That was when, in a sudden blur, Wufei burst into the room, pulled me to my feet by the collar of my shirt.

"Bastard!" he yelled, swinging his fist at me. But Quatre caught his clenched hand before it could make contact with my face.

"Let go, Wufei" Quatre said quietly, but with venom in his eyes.

"You should have stopped him!" Wufei yelled into my face. His eyes…they were burning, watering. Wasn't that contradictory? He was sad and angry. At me. "Sally could have looked after him! Everything would have been all right!"

His eyes…his eyes. I couldn't take my gaze away from everyone's eyes.

"Wufei, stop" Quatre told him. The blonde's voice was shaking a little, but he was determined. "Have you looked at him, Wufei? Have you seen his face? Trowa died the happiest man in the world.."

God, I lost half of it. I've been losing half of everything.

Wufei's shaking hands let go of me, and I sank to the floor on my knees as he muttered an apology.

Damn. Apology, pity, gratitude. Hate it all.

Wufei and Quatre walked away, but Duo settled on the ground beside me. I didn't want to look at him.

"He doesn't mean any of that" Duo told me, "Wufei's just stubborn. What you did was right, Heero. I wouldn't have had the guts to do it, but it's right. You shouldn't have to regret"

Trowa was buried on Earth.

Quatre was generous enough to have offered a nice plot of land, underneath an old tree and near a crystal river in one of his estates.

It's been days since the funeral, and lately I've been finding solace in the fields, out under the sun. The wind in my hair.

My eyes always stung, but I didn't want to cry.

If I started, really started, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop.

But today, I was reminded of that day he died, at the creek. The sun was just rising, and I was feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

I felt I was going to explode. Or implode.

I took a breath to steady myself, but it came out wrong.

A cry escaped my throat, introducing a racking sob that I couldn't stop. The tears just kept falling. They weren't running out. It was so hard to breathe. It was so damn hard to do anything else but sit and wait all the tears out.

I hadn't felt him coming, until his hands were on my shoulders, and he pulled me into a tight hug.

"No—" I pleaded brokenly, but Duo was determined, and I was too damn tired.

"Cry, Heero" he said quietly, "you have every damn right to"

I let him hold me, rub my back.

I let the tears fall, and he held me as long as I needed, making me feel like we had all the time in the world.

"I asked him why he chose me, over all of you" I told Duo, "Trowa said it was because I wouldn't take it personally. And that I wouldn't go bawl at him, like everyone else will. It hurt. I thought we understood each other, and all this time he'd been thinking I was an unfeeling machine. And now he'll never know that I'm not, will he?"

"You have to appreciate his subtlety" says Duo, with a catch in his voice.

"What?" I asked, pulling away and looking at Duo's wistful expression.

"You mean you honestly believe he meant that?" asked Duo, incredulous, "that he took you on this trip because it wouldn't affect you?"

"Yes"

"For a smart person, you're kinda dumb" comments Duo lightly, though his eyes watered a little. "You know, he didn't take you because he thought you were heartless. He took you along, because he knew you had a heart in there somewhere, all you need is a little push to let it function"

"..."

"He lied, Heero" Duo continues, "think about it. He didn't take you because he needed you. He took you because you needed him. Look at you. You're crying. And I hugged you without fear of losing fingers! He taught you human compassion, in case you missed it. He brought you along, because he knew that Quatre, Wufei and I would be all right even if he wasn't around to look out for us anymore. As for you...he might have felt he had to see for himself. Comprende?"

"No" I lied.

Duo chuckles. "How does humanity feel, Heero?"

"Like shit"

"You don't mean that"

"..."

"I thought so" says Duo. He paused for a moment, before continuing. "You know, Heero, you never had problems about dying, did you? Just losing"

It was true, though I had no idea where this was going to go. The concept of death was never a problem for me. What was the point? You'll get there, one way or another, sooner or later. A lot of people feared it I suppose.

"People think you're brave for that" he continued, "Because you always taunt it to come after you. But I know better.

"You're a coward" he told me cheerfully, "dying's easy. Even if you don't go after it, it will eventually get you. It's living that's hard. Living after loss, even more. You have the guts to live Heero?"

--

"Get up, you spineless jerk" he said, dusting himself off and walking away, leaving me to assimilate this new information.

He took me along because I needed him.

I kept saying it was him who needed me, but it was the other way around.

_I've always wanted to share the greatest parts of my life with you, except you never let me._

Maybe that's why he had to pull a gun on me. Force me to see. I remembered how that biplane ride felt. And shopping at the supermarket. Watching Star Wars.

Thank you, Trowa.

_My friend, my brother_.

I learned so damn much from you.

But your River of Absolution was a joke.

Salvation and forgiveness was in the mind, that's why that nameless creek became your River. And that's why Nanashi became an even better Trowa than Trowa Barton had been. And that's why I can save my soul without the River.

Starting now.

I stood up and dusted myself off. There were things to do.

_You have the guts to live, Heero?_

"You bet your ass, Duo!" I yelled after him.

He hadn't heard me, but I heard myself.

Unmade promises can't be broken, much less made ones. And somewhere, not very far away, someone was watching to make sure I learned something from our Road Trip.

If anyone can do it, the pilot of Wing Zero could.

No, no. If anyone could do it, Heero Yuy could. The man. The person.

In the back of my head, I could have sworn I heard Trowa say _Mission Accomplished._

I didn't mind. He can go gloat as long as he wanted.

His mission was finished. Mine—my life—was just beginning.

And it was going to be the best and most successful mission yet.__

**THE END.******

June 10, 2k

NOTES:

1. deserter- one who leaves comrades in the midst of battle. An yes, some societies have them shot for cowardice.

2. insubordinate- not following or questioning orders of a superior. Also punishable by death sometimes, depending on the circumstances.

3. no particular details on the disease, which is just as well since I don't know anything about it anyway.

4. notice how Heero always wonders what Duo will say, given the same position? I think, in his own unrecognized way, Heero admires the easy way by which Duo lets things slide along in his life.not sure how I represented the characters, but whatever. pacing is a bit rushed, which can be attributed to the fact that I had an inkling to get this over with as fast as I could. And, true enough: finished in three days.

5. Oh, and Nadya Elmina was a person inspired by a book of baby names. Elmina means "awe-inspiring fame" in Old German, and Nadya and Nadine, Slavic names, mean "hope." I hope she hadn't come out as annoying. I like my original characters to be decently received. And this isn't any form of self-inclusion. I'm a bit awkward about things like that. And she probably won't see any of them ever again, depending on my mood.

6. The point of everything was friendship, I guess. No yaoi, unless the idea comes from you. I don't have anything against it, I even read it, but it's not anything I write for myself.

7. Not much Quatre and Wufei, though the story is randomly dotted by Heero's impression of them, especially Duo. Not used to first-person story-telling. Especially if it's Heero, who doesn't really say much. Since he was always quiet, he must think a lot, right? So here it is. My fave pilot is Trowa, followed by Duo and the rest coming in equally, I guess. But Heero is fascinating, especially given the circumstances. The series unfolds with unspoken sense of friendship and loyalty with each other, especially with Heero, and maybe Wufei too.

8. By the way, the name of the hospital was "Vassily" which is a name for "unwavering protector." Kind of an introduction to the flow of the story, because I liked having a perception of Trowa as somewhat big-brotherly. Weird.

9. That was a thought from a novel called "Memory" by Lois McMaster Bujold, my favorite author.

10. The song Nadya sang was "I'll Never Say Goodbye" from the film "The Promise." If you can get your hands on the rest of the lyrics, they're incredible.


End file.
